


The Abominable Script

by TeaHouseMoon



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Read it if you're sad, Series 4, Sonic Screwdriver, This is just for shits and giggles, lol, london is crumbling, old crack from tumblr, river song - Freeform, series 4 episode 1, seriously this is all CRACK, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 02:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5568013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaHouseMoon/pseuds/TeaHouseMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a crack ficlet I posted on Tumblr over a year ago, just for fun. I was a bit sad tonight so I thought I'd repost it on here so I can have it handy when I want to smile :) </p><p>Here's how I imagined the first episode of series 4 will be!</p><p>It's JUST FOR FUN and not actually a criticism of any of the things that are mentioned in it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Abominable Script

\----------opening credits-----------

 

Cradled in her mother’s arms, the baby slowly opened her eyes. John gazed down at her, a look of utter tenderness in his own eyes, and smiled, reaching out to gently stroke his daughter’s short, fiery-red hair.

“You know, if I didn’t know that ginger hair runs in my family, I would be a bit suspicious”, John chuckled, looking at his wife and then back at his beautiful newborn.

“Lol!”, Mary replied, unable to contain her own giggles. “That’s funny, John. But you know, my hair used to be this exact same colour when I was born. And her eyes - her eyes are just like mine… Geee. If I wasn’t already me, I would think she is me - that I’m her, she’s.. me.. Like, I dreamt she was me, so is this my dream or I’m awake or…”

“Wait, what?”, John interrupted her inane chattering.

“Never mind! DiCaprio would totally understand. But you’re a moron…” Mary exclaimed, coming back to herself. “Let’s change the subject! A name. We need a name for her”.

John’s eyes lit up. “Oh, right! Well, I was thinking, since Sherlock was so nice to sacrifice himself to save your, err, our arse, and since his life is going to be pretty much horrendous from now on what with him being in love with me and me being married and wanting to be heterosexual at all costs even though it’s evident I’m not and….”

”- what??? John we have been through this. NO HOMO, remember???”

John sighed. “Yeah, I know, but…”

“No buts. And no BUTTS, either, John! You are just friends, ok, end of, stop fetishising your beautiful male friendship”, Mary said, stern. Gosh, these men! Thank god she was there to manage them. How could they even survive without her??

“Anyway, no, we are not naming our daughter after Sherlock. No Shirley, no Wilhelmina, nothing, got it? Don’t make me try to kill him again to stop you thinking about him, for God’s sake. I nearly got done for it last time!!” Mary’s frustration was nearly getting the best of her. She took a deep breath, and made a mental note to make sure Sherlock’s murder looked like an accident next time.  
“They are all shit names anyway”, she added once she was calm enough to speak again. Her eyes burned into John’s; he relented, defeated. Sherlock was a pretty shitty name, he had to admit.

Mary spoke again.

“Also, there’s something I need to tell you”.

“Oh god, not again?? What is it this time, did you kill my family? Drowned my dog?? Pushed my sister down the stairs???”

Mary’s eyes went wide at John’s outburst.  
“John!!! Why can’t you let that go?? I did it because I love you!!” She cried, a look of utter hurt in her eyes. She sounded totally honest. “Anyway, I did nothing this time. Well, I say nothing - I only set your mother’s house on fire, but don’t worry. I called the fire brigade!!!”

John sighed. “FML”.

“You made me lose track again. As I was saying, the name… Well, what you don’t know about me is that I am a huge fan of ancient Native American sayings. I never told you because it’s too clever and cool for your limited ordinary brain” Mary ignored John’s wide eyed look and continued.

“Anyway, I really like the saying ‘the river song mulls under the tree, and thy eternal flame shall not perish amongst ducks and cocks’. So I want to call our daughter River Song”.

“WTF kind of name is that!” was John’s instinctive reaction. “Also I swear that was the name of a character from a show on the telly, can’t remember which though”

“Was not!!!” Mary exclaimed, offended. “Don’t you dare call me a nerd, John Watson! Anyway, it’s decided. Remember I still have my gun and also the silencer. Just sayin’.”

John’s sighed at Mary’s sweet, tender threat. There was nothing he could do. His wife has always been forceful and violent just as much as she was quirky and adorable - all known traits of a very strong woman, just the kind he liked. Yay for strong women everywhere!

He looked back down at his daughter. She blinked; John’s face softened. Oh, but wouldn’t she look even cuter if her eyes were lighter, kind of, I dunno, cobalt-blue that changes into green and grey, and if her eyelashes were long and thick and if she had jet black curls just like her daddy Sherl-

“JOHN WATSON!!!!!” Mary’s melodious, quirky loveable voice boomed like a thunder in an apocalyptic storm (but still melodious). “STOP IT THIS INSTANT! I’m not Sherlock, I can tell when you’re thinking gay thoughts!!!”

“Oh, I’m sorry Mary”, John blinked hard, stopping his train of thoughts. He was really ashamed of himself - how could he forget he and Sherlock were just friends???

It was so evident and yet for some stupid reason his mind kept tricking him. ‘You are not wired that way!’, a voice with a Scottish accent whispered helpfully in his head right then. ‘Two men can love each other that way and not be queer, you know!’, a second voice murmured - this one sounded eerily similar to Mycroft’s. WTF?? He was going crazy. Ah, it was probably his PTSD or something…

————————————————————-

As this delightful scene of family bliss unfolded, Sherlock stood by the door of the hospital room. A frown marred his forehead, betraying his confusion.

“Look at them”, he murmured, low enough so that they wouldn’t hear him. “They care so much. Do you ever wonder what’s wrong with us?”

Next to him, Mycroft gave a little snort.

“Oh for gods sake, Sherlock. I thought you were past this? I mean haven’t you read all the metas you are supposed to have realised your feelings for John at the wedding, the champagne glass thing was totally obvious and what about the meat dagger?? And Tessa???Don’t tell me you didn’t get that one, I mean, honestly brother dear, it was so OBVIOUS”.

“But Mycroft! Don’t you see what’s going on?? A whole episode has elapsed and here I am, stuck at the end, the whole narrative dedicated to John and Mary and the baby. Where is MY character development?? Plus I thought the series was called ‘Sherlock’, not ‘The Happy Watsons’.”

Mycroft sighed. His brother really was hopeless.

“Brother mine”, he replied, talking as if he were explaining things to a child. “Don’t be so self-centered. A baby is a gift from the heavens, and I don’t understand why you can’t just squee and aww like everybody else. A baby will just add excitement to your adventures. It is totally not a bad decision. Plus, it’s sacrilegious, blasphemous and profane to wish death upon a fictional baby just for your own silly fanboy needs. You should be ashamed of yourself”.

“Da fuck??” Sherlock spluttered. “Mycroft, sometimes I really can’t stand your face, I hope you know this”.

“Too bad” Mycroft murmured. “London is crumbling!”

“Always so dramatic! That’s not even the worst thing I have said to you in your life”.

“No, London is *really* crumbling!” Mycroft protested urgently, showing immense distress and fear in the way his eyebrow arched up and almost touched his receding hairline.

“Someone must have activated the ‘Apple pie is go’ command! Sherlock - you must find the off switch!”

Sherlock huffed at that. But then his eyes widened in realisation.

“Oh! Moriarty!”

“What?”

“Moriarty! The off switch!” Sherlock insisted, huffing again.

Mycroft huffed back. “Is that supposed to be a sexual reference? What would you even know?”

“OK, firstly, that’s not even a thing, and secondly, that’s right, it is a sexual reference! I read metas too just so you know. Just not the ones you read - next time send me links!”

Mycroft rolled his eyes. He was never going to hear the end of this, was he? Resigned, he took out his sonic screwdriver.

“Wait, what?!” Sherlock couldn’t believe his eyes. “Wtf are you even doing with that?!”

Mycroft had enough. He clutched the screwdriver, then took out a cigarette, raised it to his mouth with his other hand and lit it, a look of pleasure appearing on his face.

“Luke!"he announced. "Err, I mean-Fox! No, fuck, I mean Sherlock!” He blew smoke slowly out of his lips and looked down at Sherlock with knowing eyes.

“I am your father”.

 

  
\----------------ENDING CREDITS------------

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope this silly nonsense made you smile...


End file.
